My girlfriend will be relieved to know - given her flower-like fragility, daintiness and delicacy of spirit - that this post is in no way related to her, us, or anything of that nature.
I can now sit back and write with the relaxed ease of a man who has disclaimed his way out of a kick in the bollocks.
No. Rather, with Christmas looming in imminence, short days and 'jobseeker's boredom' are causing the 'Scrooge Within' to begin his annual effervescent journey - from somewhere in my gall bladder (where I imagine he hibernates through summer) to the eyes and ears of anybody standing too close.
My Facebook wall has recently gone through a mini-spate of people becoming 'Facebook Official' - by which I mean specifically the "*heart* - Jimmy-Bob and Sally-Sue are in a Relationship" notification. This is the only kind of Facebook relationship that I have a problem with - where one person has clicked on another person and gone 'Will you confirm that we are, in fact, going to be holding hands a lot from now on, and that you too agree that people should be warned about this".
Let's backtrack.
I can see the value of generally being "in a relationship" on Facebook. Go for a night out, drink a bit too much, flirt with a stranger? Those three words under your profile picture (particularly a profile picture of you + significant other engaged in an embrace, on a beach, at sunset, during your mini-holiday to Corsica - the one where the camera's tilted off axis.. HAH just kidding it's very original and cute) are almost guaranteed to prevent the evolution of 'drunken flirt' into 'creepy stalker'.
After all, it's so much easier to put up walls than to just be honest.
Also, I can definitely see the benefit of being 'Married' on Facebook. Not only is marriage a noble institution, worthy of announcement and celebration.. but... assuming this is a heterosexual marriage or at least in an area where gay couples can adopt.. at SOME point, you might have kids that are old enough to use Facebook. It would be a gross faux-pas for Daddy to be 'in a relationship', and Mummy to be 'nothing'... or worse, 'SINGLE'.
So those two are fine. But.. come on. 'ZZ is in a relationship with XX'??... 'Facebook Official'??
Frankly its a ludicrous choice for two people to make. Here's why.
Brammo's 10 Reasons Why 'Facebook Official' is a Bad Fucking Idea
PART 1 - Getting Together
1. It totally kills the romance.
Once you're out of middle-school, the question "so, do you want to be my girlfriend/boyfriend?" kind of falls out of fashion. This means that in adulthood, the decision to 'label' yourselves as a couple is a slow, organic process, built on time spent together, a general feeling of growing mutual love.. until one person has to take a fairly bold step and be the first to say it out loud. Sometimes it's even what's NOT said. Eventually a work acquaintance/drunken uncle is going to ask.. "So, aren't you going to introduce me to your girl/boyfriend? And instead of correcting them, you'll exchange a shy glance and... ... *Tingles*
Facebook turns this whole moment into a political decision. One person effectively asks the other "SO, YOU WANNA TELL PEOPLE WE'RE A 'THING' NOW?" and the other person supposedly says "YES, A THOUSAND TIMES YES!". In reality, its more like "Oh. Great. Can't exactly say 'no' now and expect Handcuffs-and-Whipped-Cream Friday to go without incident. Oh well.. *click*.
And that's it over.
2. It comes across as a bit infantile.
As above, its definitely a bit 'middle school' to A) organize a relationship from the get-go and B) make it publicly known as rapidly as possible. These are the kinds of relationships that last two weeks, involve a lot of physical contact, and then suddenly are over. (Usually because the boy refused to cling to the girl and waddle in circles to the Titanic theme at the school dance/student's union, but was totally cool with doing 'the Worm' with his buddies for a full hour).3. Girls.. now you can't be 'married' to your best friend anymore! Aw!
*Secret* - we all think its SUPER cute.
4. Boys, your mates are going to ruin it.
The Inbetweeners captured it best - guys are pricks to eachother. And every bloke has a sarcastic/cynical/cruel friend, just waiting to ruin every joyous/positive thing you ever say, post, imply or even THINK (god help you if you smile for no good reason). For a large proportion of my male friends, that person is ME (and I'm not sorry). I myself have my own facebook nemesis/friend - his name is Aidan, and he's a complete and utter wanker. If I so much as dared to write 'Hope you had a good day, honey' on my girlfriend's wall, he would not only write DISLIKE, accompanied by some cuttingly witty remark, but he might well come round my house and slap me across the face. Such is life.5. Nobody fucking cares. Except stalkers.
I'll keep this simple. The people you spend a lot of time with (your close friends) will already know if you're a couple. The people you have on facebook but don't really speak to (i.e. the ones who just might become very rich one day, or the ones who make you feel good about yourself because THATS JUST HOW WE SEE SOCIAL SUCCESS THESE DAYS, ISN'T IT.. A FUCKING NUMBER).. those 'sideline friends'.. do not give a flying fuck about your relationship. Posting to facebook is thus redundant for everybody who reads it - YOU know already, your PARTNER knows already, and your FRIENDS know already.. so who exactly are you telling? Oh wait.Stalkers. Stalkers are the only people who look at your 'In a relationship with XX' status with any kind of emotional response - disappointment and jealousy.
You asshole.
Part 2 - Breaking Up
If the last five sounded a bit kill-joyish, then at least consider the next five. Seriously. I'm just trying to help you out here.
6. The Awkward Facebook Breakup - or - Who's gonna go first?
Breaking up sucks, and apparently it's even worse if you're Italian, because you are expected to punch walls and shit. Nobody needs to compound the pain and complication of this tough emotional time, by adding a fucking MIND GAME to the process. The 'ending the relationship on facebook'. Is he going to do it? Is she? How long should we wait.. what if we change our minds? What if it could work out? God, it's killing me to see ''In a relationship with XX' whenever I log in and see my own smiling face. I'll never smile again. At least, not like I'm smiling in that cute photo of us, on a beach, with the sunset and the camera off axis.. sigh.Spare yourself the stress, seriously, just don't go 'official' in the first place.
7. The 'FUCK YOU WE'RE OVER' - or - No turning back now!
One guaranteed way to make a bad argument worse is to make it general knowledge. That's how dramatic people always get what they want in public. "To all true gentlemen, death is preferable to a scene".
We've all been there.. the really CRAZY arguments. Furniture flies around, WOW accounts get deleted, iPhones get smashed.. passion flips both ways and sometimes we get all destructive. Ending a facebook relationship in the middle of an argument pretty much seals the deal before you have a chance to think things through. Its YOUR bridge, you built it (you crazy fucker), but it's just as flammable as any other. Once it's gone, and all those people on facebook have seen it, it's a whole lot harder to sort things out and bring them back to normal.
Want to know a guaranteed way to make people think your relationship is a joke, and not take you seriously? Break up and get back together a few times, on FACEBOOK. Shit.
The evil male friend (or group of friends - I know a particular group in Bath who have reduced a guy to tears on his own birthday by stripping him of clothing in the middle of Amsterdam, in winter. This shit gets pretty Lord of the Flies).. the evil male friend, is just as content with compounding your pre-existing misery as he is with tearing down your happiness. Guarantee you, the minute that relationship ends, he'll be all over that shit with 'Likes'. Facebook is on the INTERNET. The INTERNET turns people into ASSHOLES. Don't hold a funeral in no-mans-land unless you're expecting a few bombs to go off. And don't expect sympathy on Facebook.
I told you, marriage is sacred. You decided to run around with some boy, fine honey. But don't bring your crying ass back to her looking for a facebook rebound. Lord knows she's got more self respect than that. She'll have moved on. Shit, maybe she'll have re-married some other BFF. Sounds like a cruel game, ladies.
As with the evil male friend, there's a flipside to this. The 99% of people on facebook that 1) dont see you every day and 2) don't want to fuck you in an alleyway could honestly not care less about your breakup. That's life, toots. However, that potential dumpster-rapist/weird chick who thinks if she gets you drunk enough, she could be your next Big Mistake, is seeing your break up as a huge opportunity.
The only person other than stalkers who care about the relationship ending is.. yes.. the PERSON YOU WERE GOING OUT WITH. Seeing that broken little pink heart (icon), out in public where thousands of eyes can see it, is horrible. Some of you will use that as a weapon.
Some of you will use your next 'in a relationship' status as a weapon to hurt that same person. And a whole lot of you will know exactly what it feels like to see it weaponized against you. So, do yourselves a massive favour, and cut out the 'Facebook Official' crap.
Love is love, man. Mark Zuckerberg doesn't make it any more special.
We've all been there.. the really CRAZY arguments. Furniture flies around, WOW accounts get deleted, iPhones get smashed.. passion flips both ways and sometimes we get all destructive. Ending a facebook relationship in the middle of an argument pretty much seals the deal before you have a chance to think things through. Its YOUR bridge, you built it (you crazy fucker), but it's just as flammable as any other. Once it's gone, and all those people on facebook have seen it, it's a whole lot harder to sort things out and bring them back to normal.
Want to know a guaranteed way to make people think your relationship is a joke, and not take you seriously? Break up and get back together a few times, on FACEBOOK. Shit.
8. Your mates are going to ruin it.
The evil male friend (or group of friends - I know a particular group in Bath who have reduced a guy to tears on his own birthday by stripping him of clothing in the middle of Amsterdam, in winter. This shit gets pretty Lord of the Flies).. the evil male friend, is just as content with compounding your pre-existing misery as he is with tearing down your happiness. Guarantee you, the minute that relationship ends, he'll be all over that shit with 'Likes'. Facebook is on the INTERNET. The INTERNET turns people into ASSHOLES. Don't hold a funeral in no-mans-land unless you're expecting a few bombs to go off. And don't expect sympathy on Facebook.
9. Girls - Good luck getting your BFF to take you back into that 'marriage' you broke off.
I told you, marriage is sacred. You decided to run around with some boy, fine honey. But don't bring your crying ass back to her looking for a facebook rebound. Lord knows she's got more self respect than that. She'll have moved on. Shit, maybe she'll have re-married some other BFF. Sounds like a cruel game, ladies.
10. Nobody fucking cares. Except stalkers. And your Ex.
As with the evil male friend, there's a flipside to this. The 99% of people on facebook that 1) dont see you every day and 2) don't want to fuck you in an alleyway could honestly not care less about your breakup. That's life, toots. However, that potential dumpster-rapist/weird chick who thinks if she gets you drunk enough, she could be your next Big Mistake, is seeing your break up as a huge opportunity.
The only person other than stalkers who care about the relationship ending is.. yes.. the PERSON YOU WERE GOING OUT WITH. Seeing that broken little pink heart (icon), out in public where thousands of eyes can see it, is horrible. Some of you will use that as a weapon.
You assholes.
Some of you will use your next 'in a relationship' status as a weapon to hurt that same person. And a whole lot of you will know exactly what it feels like to see it weaponized against you. So, do yourselves a massive favour, and cut out the 'Facebook Official' crap.
Love is love, man. Mark Zuckerberg doesn't make it any more special.
