London - Crowds, Transvestites and an Awesome Comeback

Thanks Easyjet, despite breaking my guitar two summers ago and then trying to dodge paying me back, you still have some use to a family who's trans-nationalism (and size) means that it's still cheaper to fly three people to London for a day's shopping... than it is to locally buy the 30 gifts that it takes said family to fulfill its annual quota for morally obliged selflessness.

Even in the Amazon era, Switzerland's obscene cost of living makes Christmas a significant financial ordeal. A 15 lb (7kg) turkey costs about as much as a small yacht, due to a tradition of the Swiss distrusting foreign meat and a protectionist import market, meaning Fritz and Heidi can charge what they like for the five hand-fed birds they raise per year.

(except when the Swiss do it, it's not a typo)

So off we went to London  - the Parentals and I, on a 48-hour round trip to take advantage of an ever-more-awesome exchange rate (thanks, Eurozone), visit my three UK-based siblings, and take in a West End show as a little treat for Mum (more on that in a minute). However...


Apparently, EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD had the same idea.
I'm used to big crowds. I've been in the 2-million capacity (!!) 'Megamall' in the Philippines, and in 2002, my inauguration into World Cup co-host Seoul looked like this:

(Doing 'the wave' involved a break for lunch)

I'd be exaggerating (a bit) if I said that central London was quite as bad as THAT. But it was by far the biggest crowd I've been in since. People were queuing for the tube from the platform to ticket barriers. The wait for the lifts in Covent Garden station was up to an hour - (non UK readers, the only alternative exit is up 193 stairs, the depth of a 10-storey building and no small physical challenge). The shops were heaving.. Primark looked like the fucking Somme - minus the mud, but people leaving looked just as dazed. BUT.. by far the biggest shock.. came when we tried to walk through Leicester Square, just after it got properly dark. Re-paving was underway, and the construction barriers created serious bottlenecks where movement slowed to literally feet per minute. In this type of crush, survival mentalities kick in and the atmosphere changes. People shove, jostle, roll their eyes, swear, and make desperate breaks for opportunities to overtake. One of these squeeze-points formed against the outside-dining area of a cafe, which had put up some of those little partitions (like you see in airports) to keep the throng away from a handful of small round tables. One or two people decided to duck through the dining area and hop the fence to save squeezing through. Then five, then ten, then one of the barriers collapsed. Suddenly the whole crowd enveloped the people eating, who couldn't be seen by the crowd behind - the weight of moving people was threatening to sweep the whole cafe - tables, diners and all - off into the night. For all I know, it did. (I'd fucked off quickly... after knocking the barrier over.)

After the ordeal of shopping - what better way to lighten the spirits and clear the mind than by enjoying one of the Capital's famous West-End musicals. It's been a while since I'd been to one, but over the years I've had the privilege of seeing a fair few: Starlight Express, We Will Rock You, Les Miserables, Grease (fell asleep), the Lion King..   they're cool in their own way. If anyone's seen that South Park episode, it's totally like that.

If it wasn't for the fact that Priscilla - Queen of the Desert is based on a movie from 1998, I'd have suspected that it had been written in retaliation against that very episode. My Mum, on the recommendation of several of her friends (but without actually knowing much about the show), took her family of four males (and my sister) to see.. a transvestite cabaret.

I'm no homophobe and can tolerate the banana hammocks, bum-sex jokes and nipple tassels. And the wigs, the rainbows and the glitter. But boy, does this show lay it on thick. There was more male ass-cheek and 80's pop than Abu Ghraib.

(My brothers looked like this for the full 3 hours)

But the WOMEN. Fuuuuuuck. Let it never be said that women are the gentler sex. Mum and Dad got seats nearer the front, where the audience is a bit better behaved.  But in the back row... damn. Fueled by £9 cocktails, ABBA, and an endless stream of 'Urgh.. Men' style comments from a cast of six-packed Chippendales.. anything without a cock to weigh it down was bouncing off the ceiling like a flock of plump, blonde seagulls.
Halfway through the last act, I had to choose between standing up so I could see the stage, or remaining seated with a view of nothing but gyrating, Spanks-clad buttocks. Bless you, ladies. I'll never know what it is about aggressive, flamboyant male homosexuality.. but Lord knows it drives you madder than a fistful of shit.

The show was actually quite good, the band was incredible and everybody was having fun (provided they didn't lose eyes to flying Essex elbows). But the look on my Mum's face when we met her at the exit... torn between the fact that she'd absolutely loved every minute, and the knowledge that she'd unwittingly taken her three sons (and husband) to the gayest show this side of Amsterdam.. was unbelievably priceless.


There's one little anecdote I wanted to share before signing off this.. pretty much a diary post? I guess? As I mentioned in my first installment, a lot of what I'll be talking about is the shit that my mates get up to. Tony - my pet guido - is currently in exams, so I'll have to wait until the weekend for any further insanity to spew from him. But fortunately, I was present for yet another epic moment of quotability this weekend - this time with a friend who's name is so anonymous that I don't even need to alter it for his privacy. We'd gone out for the evening to an awesome new bar called the Lucky Pig, which as a side-note I'd thoroughly recommend.

Putting this bluntly, Tom does two things exceptionally well: Drinking, and chatting up women. Mysteriously, the more he does of the former, the better he gets at the latter. When most people get hammered, they think they're getting increasingly more charming. Tom actually DOES. I have yet to decide whether it's his personality which is intoxicating to girls, or if he's just very good at making sure everybody around him drinks as much as he does. Whichever the case, when in full flow he occasionally delivers some absolute gems.. such as this one.

Note: rather than over-explain this, anyone not familiar with British TV personalities and daytime lifestyle programming, you're not going to get this. Especially you, Tony.

While chatting up a girl who's friend was cock blocking:
Cock-block: [essentially] stop flirting with my friend so much
Tom: don't YOU start playing coy, one of you will be plenty.
Girl: hee hee
Cock-block: [fiddling with his hair] my, don't you have a lovely quiff.. just like Gok Wan
Tom: [without blinking].. Really? Funny you should say that, I was just telling your friend here how good she'd look naked.

Boom. 

'Facebook Official' - 10 Reasons why it's a bad move.

My girlfriend will be relieved to know - given her flower-like fragility, daintiness and delicacy of spirit - that this post is in no way related to her, us, or anything of that nature.

I can now sit back and write with the relaxed ease of a man who has disclaimed his way out of a kick in the bollocks. 

No. Rather, with Christmas looming in imminence, short days and 'jobseeker's boredom' are causing the 'Scrooge Within' to begin his annual effervescent journey - from somewhere in my gall bladder (where I imagine he hibernates through summer) to the eyes and ears of anybody standing too close.

My Facebook wall has recently gone through a mini-spate of people becoming 'Facebook Official' - by which I mean specifically the "*heart* - Jimmy-Bob and Sally-Sue are in a Relationship" notification. This is the only kind of Facebook relationship that I have a problem with - where one person has clicked on another person and gone 'Will you confirm that we are, in fact, going to be holding hands a lot from now on, and that you too agree that people should be warned about this".
Let's backtrack.

I can see the value of generally being "in a relationship" on Facebook. Go for a night out, drink a bit too much, flirt with a stranger? Those three words under your profile picture (particularly a profile picture of you + significant other engaged in an embrace, on a beach, at sunset, during your mini-holiday to Corsica - the one where the camera's tilted off axis.. HAH just kidding it's very original and cute) are almost guaranteed to prevent the evolution of 'drunken flirt' into 'creepy stalker'.

 

After all, it's so much easier to put up walls than to just be honest.

Also, I can definitely see the benefit of being 'Married' on Facebook. Not only is marriage a noble institution, worthy of announcement and celebration.. but... assuming this is a heterosexual marriage or at least in an area where gay couples can adopt.. at SOME point, you might have kids that are old enough to use Facebook. It would be a gross faux-pas for Daddy to be 'in a relationship', and Mummy to be 'nothing'... or worse, 'SINGLE'.

 

So those two are fine. But.. come on. 'ZZ is in a relationship with XX'??... 'Facebook Official'??
Frankly its a ludicrous choice for two people to make. Here's why.

Brammo's 10 Reasons Why 'Facebook Official' is a Bad Fucking Idea

PART 1 - Getting Together

1. It totally kills the romance. 

Once you're out of middle-school, the question "so, do you want to be my girlfriend/boyfriend?" kind of falls out of fashion. This means that in adulthood, the decision to 'label' yourselves as a couple is a slow, organic process, built on time spent together, a general feeling of growing mutual love.. until one person has to take a fairly bold step and be the first to say it out loud.


Sometimes it's even what's NOT said. Eventually a work acquaintance/drunken uncle is going to ask.. "So, aren't you going to introduce me to your girl/boyfriend? And instead of correcting them, you'll exchange a shy glance and... ...  *Tingles*

Facebook turns this whole moment into a political decision. One person effectively asks the other "SO, YOU WANNA TELL PEOPLE WE'RE A 'THING' NOW?" and the other person supposedly says "YES, A THOUSAND TIMES YES!". In reality, its more like "Oh. Great. Can't exactly say 'no' now and expect Handcuffs-and-Whipped-Cream Friday to go without incident. Oh well.. *click*.

And that's it over.

2. It comes across as a bit infantile. 

As above, its definitely a bit 'middle school' to A) organize a relationship from the get-go and B) make it publicly known as rapidly as possible. These are the kinds of relationships that last two weeks, involve a lot of physical contact, and then suddenly are over. (Usually because the boy refused to cling to the girl and waddle in circles to the Titanic theme at the school dance/student's union, but was totally cool with doing 'the Worm' with his buddies for a full hour).

3. Girls.. now you can't be 'married' to your best friend anymore! Aw!

*Secret*  - we all think its SUPER cute.

4. Boys, your mates are going to ruin it. 

The Inbetweeners captured it best - guys are pricks to eachother. And every bloke has a sarcastic/cynical/cruel friend, just waiting to ruin every joyous/positive thing you ever say, post, imply or even THINK (god help you if you smile for no good reason). For a large proportion of my male friends, that person is ME (and I'm not sorry). I myself have my own facebook nemesis/friend - his name is Aidan, and he's a complete and utter wanker. If I so much as dared to write 'Hope you had a good day, honey' on my girlfriend's wall, he would not only write DISLIKE, accompanied by some cuttingly witty remark, but he might well come round my house and slap me across the face. Such is life.

5. Nobody fucking cares. Except stalkers. 

I'll keep this simple. The people you spend a lot of time with (your close friends) will already know if you're a couple. The people you have on facebook but don't really speak to (i.e. the ones who just might become very rich one day, or the ones who make you feel good about yourself because THATS JUST HOW WE SEE SOCIAL SUCCESS THESE DAYS, ISN'T IT.. A FUCKING NUMBER).. those 'sideline friends'.. do not give a flying fuck about your relationship. Posting to facebook is thus redundant for everybody who reads it - YOU know already, your PARTNER knows already, and your FRIENDS know already.. so who exactly are you telling? Oh wait.
Stalkers. Stalkers are the only people who look at your 'In a relationship with XX' status with any kind of emotional response - disappointment and jealousy.

You asshole. 

Part 2 - Breaking Up
If the last five sounded a bit kill-joyish, then at least consider the next five. Seriously. I'm just trying to help you out here. 

6. The Awkward Facebook Breakup - or - Who's gonna go first?

Breaking up sucks, and apparently it's even worse if you're Italian, because you are expected to punch walls and shit. Nobody needs to compound the pain and complication of this tough emotional time, by adding a fucking MIND GAME to the process. The 'ending the relationship on facebook'. Is he going to do it? Is she? How long should we wait.. what if we change our minds? What if it could work out? God, it's killing me to see ''In a relationship with XX' whenever I log in and see my own smiling face. I'll never smile again. At least, not like I'm smiling in that cute photo of us, on a beach, with the sunset and the camera off axis.. sigh.
Spare yourself the stress, seriously, just don't go 'official' in the first place.

7. The 'FUCK YOU WE'RE OVER' - or - No turning back now!

One guaranteed way to make a bad argument worse is to make it general knowledge. That's how dramatic people always get what they want in public. "To all true gentlemen, death is preferable to a scene".
We've all been there.. the really CRAZY arguments. Furniture flies around, WOW accounts get deleted, iPhones get smashed.. passion flips both ways and sometimes we get all destructive. Ending a facebook relationship in the middle of an argument pretty much seals the deal before you have a chance to think things through. Its YOUR bridge, you built it (you crazy fucker), but it's just as flammable as any other. Once it's gone, and all those people on facebook have seen it, it's a whole lot harder to sort things out and bring them back to normal.
Want to know a guaranteed way to make people think your relationship is a joke, and not take you seriously? Break up and get back together a few times, on FACEBOOK. Shit.

8. Your mates are going to ruin it.

The evil male friend (or group of friends - I know a particular group in Bath who have reduced a guy to tears on his own birthday by stripping him of clothing in the middle of Amsterdam, in winter. This shit gets pretty Lord of the Flies).. the evil male friend, is just as content with compounding your pre-existing misery as he is with tearing down your happiness. Guarantee you, the minute that relationship ends, he'll be all over that shit with 'Likes'. Facebook is on the INTERNET. The INTERNET turns people into ASSHOLES. Don't hold a funeral in no-mans-land unless you're expecting a few bombs to go off. And don't expect sympathy on Facebook.

9. Girls - Good luck getting your BFF to take you back into that 'marriage' you broke off. 

I told you, marriage is sacred. You decided to run around with some boy, fine honey. But don't bring your crying ass back to her looking for a facebook rebound. Lord knows she's got more self respect than that. She'll have moved on. Shit, maybe she'll have re-married some other BFF. Sounds like a cruel game, ladies.

10. Nobody fucking cares. Except stalkers. And your Ex. 

As with the evil male friend, there's a flipside to this. The 99% of people on facebook that 1) dont see you every day and 2) don't want to fuck you in an alleyway could honestly not care less about your breakup. That's life, toots. However, that potential dumpster-rapist/weird chick who thinks if she gets you drunk enough, she could be your next Big Mistake, is seeing your break up as a huge opportunity.

The only person other than stalkers who care about the relationship ending is.. yes.. the PERSON YOU WERE GOING OUT WITH. Seeing that broken little pink heart (icon), out in public where thousands of eyes can see it, is horrible. Some of you will use that as a weapon.

You assholes. 

Some of you will use your next 'in a relationship' status as a weapon to hurt that same person. And a whole lot of you will know exactly what it feels like to see it weaponized against you. So, do yourselves a massive favour, and cut out the 'Facebook Official' crap.

Love is love, man. Mark Zuckerberg doesn't make it any more special.

Introducing - My Pet Guido

Everybody should have a pet Guido. I've had mine since before it was even fashionable. Shit, I've had mine before we even heard the word Guido.. almost five years now. Mine's not exactly authentic - yes, he's Italian, but as far as I know he's never been to New Jersey, and his tan isn't as good as mine. Also, he's studying for a double bachelor in Business and Communications. But apart from that, he's the real deal. The haircut, the muscles, the chauvinism, the bar fights, the tendency to think every girl he meets is 'the one', the noisy little car with neons, the nightclubs, the love of Lil' Wayne... he's basically a complete inversion of my personality. Many people have no idea how the hell we get on. I guess opposites attract... and thus, I have a pet Guido.

To avoid embarrassment, and a potential bro-down, I'm going to call him Tony.

Every so often, Tony opens his mouth and gold spills out. Yesterday I decided that he's going to be my Karl Pilkington... his very outlook on life is going to make me rich and famous. So from now on, I'm going to include a weekly quote, that you too can marvel in the complexity of the tapestry of thought which must go on underneath all that hair-gel. Ladies and Gentlemen: I give you - My Pet Guido.

TV - or - Why I'm starting to like American Football

One of the downsides to being in Switzerland: TV is awful. Most of the Brits here have installed Sky boxes (with varying degrees of legality), but in our house we have a system called Cablecom. To its credit, it's probably not a bad package for the multilingual Swiss. It gets a good 150 channels, but only eight of these are in English (the rest being Italian, German, French and Turkish). Of these eight, three are news channels, leaving:

 - BBC Entertainment (re-runs of the Carry On films, antiques programs, and old game shows. This channel is single-handedly responsible for the perpetuation of the stereotype that we all have bad teeth, shit haircuts and wear cardigans. )

 - The Extreme Sports Channel - Should be called 'SEEN IT'. So low-budget they can only run five different shows at a time, so re-runs make up 90% of their weekly programming.  Not bad for cool snowboarding videos, but they devote a lot of time to niche reality TV like Mantracker, or the mind-numbingly shit Final Fu.

 - Yacht and Sail - I have never watched this channel for more than 5 minutes - it appears to be devoted entirely to playing soothing music over sunset images of marinas, and people wearing linen trousers.

-Motors.TV - Yes, a channel with a name like a website, bringing you coverage of every possible motorsport in the world EXCEPT the F1 or the MotoGP (including.. wait for it.. RC car racing). Occasionally worth a look, just in case anything blows up.

-Technically, ITV 2 is an English channel - but I refuse to count this, because it makes me hate the world.
Which leaves, ESPN America.

ESPN is something of a shock to the uninitiated.. an affront to the more refined palette of the English sports viewer. The presenters are all called 'Brett', 'Brock' or 'Jackson' - square-jawed, clean shaven, fast talking and shiny-faced. Their teeth gleam like they've been scrubbed with peroxide, and aligned using lasers. They don't blink. I am convinced they are robots.

They speak an impenetrable onslaught of statistics-based jargon. I have no idea why Americans need to know "the top four third-down passers in humidity conditions over 80%... in the NCAA Eastern Conference pre-season... during the alignment of Io, and Europa and Ganymede..." but apparently they fucking love this stuff. God only knows who's keeping track.

But it's the spectacle of American sport is perhaps the biggest blow to my waifish British sensibilities - an incomprehensible blend of waving flags and cleavage. Red, white and blue graphics flash across the screen followed by trails of twinkling stars. Every sport has its own 'image'.. Baseball players are horse-legged, fat and walk with a cowboy swagger, doing a lot of squinting and spitting. Basketball is basically hip-hop, with every dunk or block followed by a lot of posing, arm waving and people going "OOOOOH WHAT?!". Hockey is a drunken brawl, with some guys with beards doing a bit of ice skating now and then. And American Football.. the grand-daddy of them all..  Two-hundred member brass bands sway in unison, occupying more room in the bleachers than the fans, who they whip into an animal-like frenzy. Topless men write huge letters on their beer bellies, and arrange themselves to form misspelled words. Organized, team-specific chants carry on throughout the entire game - for Texas University this seems to involve waving a white sock around your head while screaming, for example. Every  touchdown is accompanied by explosions and fireworks, and whole teams line up to celebrate with fully-rehearsed dance numbers. And just in case you were getting bored in all this pandemonium.. there's the cheerleaders... 

We don't have cheerleaders in Britain because all of our sportsmen come from Italy, Portugal, Spain and France, and nobody would get anything done. 

I didn't think I'd be saying this, but it's growing on me. I've still got a lot left to learn. I have no idea why coaches are obliged to chew an entire pack of gum at every game. I have no idea why everyone slaps everyone else on the ass, but apparently it's a good thing over there?  I still can't tell you all the rules, or why they have a giant pink exclamation mark that's tied to a bit of string and gets rushed onto the field every so often. I can't believe how many ads there are, or why every element of the game is sponsored. Time-outs are sponsored by Applebees. Field-goal kicks are sponsored by Coors Light. Imagine if every single element of the Premier League was like this. "This corner kick is brought to you by J.D.Wetherspoons", or..."look's like we might be headed for a Worther's Originals Penalty Shootout". 

It's alien, ostentatious, superficial, hyper-polished and all a bit mental. But it's a hell of a show, and I'm starting to enjoy it.  If anyone wants to get in there and insist I start supporting a particular NFL team, I'm open to suggestions. 

I will, however, maintain that you have NO say in the 'football/soccer' argument. 

Interns: Five Terrible Pieces of Good Advice

First up - there are clearly some stone-cold pimps using Merriam Webster Online. This made me chuckle:

Yes.. I've changed the title and look for the third time in as many posts. I'm new to this, OK? That and the 'Noughties' ended two years ago. oops.

After Tuesday's post I thought I could do one better. I don't mean to come down hard on internships, but they do tend to fuck-over the unprepared. Here it is then:

Brammo's Five Terrible Pieces of Advice to Graduates and Interns which Actually Aren't Bad

1 - Turn Down Internships
Be picky and know what you're getting into

Like I said on Tuesday, it all comes down to selection. By all means, apply to as many vacancies as you want. Shit, go to the interviews. BUT - ASK QUESTIONS. Do your research. Find other people who've done the same thing before you.. and avoid like the bloody plague any back-office admin jobs. Nothing is going to put you off a whole professional field, dissuade you from looking for another job, or convince you to try cordless bungee-jumping faster than spending eight hours a day doing data-entry on Microsoft Excel.

Don't look at pay exclusively - money will come later. My last placement was UNPAID - but because it was unpaid, I was allowed to get involved in all aspects of the business. If a company is paying you, they can justify making you the coffee girl or the mailroom boy. If you're working for FREE, then they'd damn well better be able to justify it with 1 - a kickass reference and 2 - a portfolio of decent experience.

2 - Take up smoking

Yes, I'm fucking serious.

Unless you've been living under a rock for the last decade, you'll know by now that smoking is unquestionably a good thing. It looks cool, feels great and gives you an excuse to meet drunk women huddling outside nightclubs.
This last point is what's important - it's no surprise that a ton of people took up 'social smoking' when the ban came in.. suddenly clubs and bars started providing a nice quiet area for people to stand around and chat. For some reason, human cultures tend to place emphasis on the social benefits of 'collectively polluting your bodies' - peace pipes, opium dens, pubs, college, and of course, the office fag break.
Networking is probably the most important part of an internship - and nothing guarantees a captive audience like a cigarette. Catch the manager/director/CEO lighting up, and they're forced to stand and chat idly for five minutes. Repeatedly. Sometimes more than once a day. They have no choice but to get to know you, or stop smoking. I guarantee you, your company is more tolerable than nicotine withdrawal. Cigarettes generate social capital - they can be bummed and lent, forming debt bonds that transcend the office hierarchy.

But for God's sake.. Don't want to smoke? FAKE IT. Otherwise you have no reason to be out there other than to chat, and that shit's just creepy.

3 - Overstep the Mark

You have nothing to lose - impressing people takes balls

"Nothing ventured - nothing gained" goes the old mantra, and nowhere is this more true than in your junior level of work. Businesses always state that they're looking for people who are proactive, who take the initiative, and who are capable of working without direction. This isn't just jargon. Internships these days often play out like 3-month job interviews - the hope is that at the end of those months, you've caught the attention of someone who will ask you to stay on at the company (hence why making buddies out of all the smokers is a flawless strategy).
Part of this means going above and beyond the job description. No matter what the task, it can be improved upon. Think like a problem solver. If you're given a boring task that takes ages, think of how it could be made to go faster. Any idea that improves efficiency, or reduces cost, or best of all makes more money, you should immediately take it upon yourself to try it out.  But... DON'T ASK PERMISSION. As long as you're prepared to undo everything you did if the boss doesn't like it, go right ahead and make those changes.
It sounds counter-intuitive, and yes if it's genuinely a massive change that will take ages to sort out, then it's better to draw up a plan and submit it to a superior. This will still gain brownie points.
However, if you can go to your supervisor at the end of the day with a list of the things that you've DONE, along with how you can restore things to how they were, then you will immediately go into the 'plausible candidate' pile. People that do their work blindly, without thinking about the task they are doing, are not competitive prospects for the few job slots that are currently available.

4 - The office is 'A Game of Thrones'
so be ANYBODY but Sean Bean.

Edit: except that little prick Joffrey

So yes, competition and rivalry are all part of internships. Sometimes you'll be the only person in the position, sometimes there will be ten of you. If you ARE the only person in the internship at the time, don't forget that you're competing against whoever was there before you (and whoever's coming afterwards). It's important to make sure you stand out, and that you're playing the game better than everyone around you. Network harder (smoke more?). Take more risks.

And it's an old cliche, but nice guys finish last. Note that I didn't say WORK harder. Everything in the first few months is about appearances. You need to SHOW that you're being proactive, so make sure you aren't keeping quiet if you've gone above and beyond your job description. If you're producing group work, make sure your name's on the top of the list. Don't disappear out of the office at 5:00 on the dot in a swirl of papers.. take it slow. Make a tea, chat to people about their plans for the weekend, and wait for at least 2/3rds of the other interns to leave first. And NEVER.. NEVER assume that because you get on with the other juniors that they aren't just waiting gimp-rape you like it's Pulp Fiction. I've been sent for review over comments I made about one of the company directors (of the 'Cat Funt' variety) to another intern in the pub after work! Even if you don't play the cut-throat, don't assume that because you're doing well that other people won't try to drag you down. Until you've signed that contract, keep smiling, but don't trust a bloody soul.

5 - Play Endgame

This is pretty much a combination of the above four. Once you've chosen your internship, you know that the only guarantee is that it will end. You're in there, for however long, to make the most out of it. A huge amount of people forget that a temporary contract means you can never genuinely go wrong. Its OK to piss off a couple of people by being too pushy with the networking. It's very unlikely they're going to fire you, for the sake of cutting short a few weeks of your employment, because you were too insistent about having a chat. You stand to lose nothing by trying to shake up the jobs they give you, to improve them or to think about them in an abstract way. And you definitely shouldn't be afraid to be clear about what you want. If your reference sucks, ask them to improve it. If someone's pissing you off, don't keep quiet about it. Ultimately, you should treat internships as though they are going to end, and you're not going to get the job. No, don't act like a prick.. but certainly don't reserve anything. Squeeze that sucker for all it's worth, and if you happen to get a job out of it - great. 

TCK's, Wasta, and the Internship Paradox

So this week, I got into a heated debate (read: massive fucking argument) over the question:
"In this job market, should you jump at any opportunity to work?"

And my answer? No.
But hold up. I'm not talking about working for cash..  you can't afford to be picky when it comes to making scratch.  Some people wait tables, some people flip burgers.. at the moment I'm part-timing in construction. It doesn't matter what your degree says, the fact is most of us are having to suck it up and accept that this could be life for a while. What I'm talking about, though,  is CV-building work.. internships/placements/etc. This is the stuff that is supposed to get you the career you want.. but I'd argue that some of these opportunities aren't worth your time.

For reasons that I'm about to go into, I get offered more internships than is probably average.  Just this morning, I was asked if I'd like to do two months working as an admin assistant for a film company.  Ultimately, the point I'm going to make here is that for some Neets (the 'GAMERs') even beggars need to be choosers.

Why I get offered a lot of internships...
To explain this, I need to talk briefly about 'TCKs' - 'Third Culture Kids' - a social demographic that has exploded in the last 30-40 years, and of which I am your typical member.

TCKs are people that grew up without roots because their parents traveled internationally due to work - they are raised as expats, get used to changing schools every two to three years, might live in several countries, and build their own identity (the so-called 'third culture') from a mish-mash of displaced experiences within a spectrum of cultures.

Yes. EXACTLY like wiggers.

For example: I was born in the UK, but aged five I moved to Switzerland - then at seven to Romania - eleven to the Philippines, and fourteen to South Korea. The randomness of this assortment comes down to my Dad working in 'emerging markets' - which translates to "you'll be richer than all the locals, and poorer than all your classmates".

Expatriate communities are bizarre constructs, which disregard all of the class-based social striation that you'd see at home in Britain. It's still a member's only club, but your membership depends less on how much you make, what you do or where you're from... and more on a kind of 'frontier solidarity' between people who are sharing the experience of being away from home.

In an international school, some of your fellow students will be the sons/daughters of millionaires; regional managers of international companies and the like. Some will have parents in the diplomatic service, with links to governments and heads of state. You'll meet missionaries, soldiers, marketeers, ambassadors, architects, engineers, journalists.. sure, same as anywhere, but in a much more condensed and inter-mingling system.

Essentially, by the time you finish school as a TCK, you're already loaded with a bunch of high-level contacts, in any conceivable industry, who will push forward a CV here or drop a word there by simple merit of the fact that you hang out with their kids. It's nepotism at its finest(worst).

"Doesn't it embarrass you to have life handed to you on a plate"?
I've been asked this. Not surprisingly, it's hard to explain the above to anyone who hasn't been through it personally without coming across as a spoiled brat. All I can retort is that in the current job market, there is no shame in using what you've been given. A good friend of mine from uni, an Egyptian, wrote a paper on the Arabic interpretation of nepotism - 'Wasta' - which flies in the face of the traditional Euro-American values of the 'self-made-man'. Wasta basically suggests that only a very stupid person turns away help when it's offered - similarly, once you reach a position of power, you offer the hand to others who need it. I think this is a completely acceptable view of how the TCK mind works.

Well it must be easy to be choosy, when you're getting offers all the time?
No. This isn't my point. Sure, I might have to be selective more frequently than others - but that doesn't mean I can make different choices. Remember that we all face the exact same problem, the catch-22 that's fucking everyone at the moment: experience.

We've all seen the same application forms. ''3 years experience required" seems to be the norm now.. and that's for GRADUATE jobs. I want to work in communication.. however, to get into a PR consultancy nowadays you pretty much need to have landed your first client aged 17 and been running your own business since your 18th fucking birthday.

What this means is, you need to build a coherent CV.. one that demonstrates progress within a SINGLE field***.   And even then, you need to make sure that you are getting something out of your internship. Admin jobs are NOT good internships. There is NO point accepting to work for 3 months somewhere where you're going to be making coffee and stacking shelves - you'd make the same money working in Tesco and at least you wouldn't have to wear a bloody suit all day. At the end of your time, unless you got lucky and made a few contacts in the business (wasta not looking so bad now, is it?), it's back to square one. You'll have gained a perfect amount of experience to appeal to the next person who is looking to hire an intern. The internship paradox is this: internships usually just lead to more internships. It becomes way too easy to jump from field to field, dipping your toe in many waters but never actually getting to swim.

***Edit: This can still be general, eg: 'Communications' includes a lot of potential fields - PR, marketing, corporate affairs, media relations, journalism, strategy consulting and even client account management. 

When I was 16, I thought a good CV was one that showed you worked hard, had a wide range of skills and interests, and could apply yourself anywhere. And since I was 16, I've built an internship history that includes:

 - an import contractor for the US military

 - the British embassy

 - an international media agency

 - a global food company

 - a private health insurer

 - a clothing retailer

 - a PR agency

.. the point is.. I can't build a STORY out of this. This is why I'm still a Neet.. I haven't been selective until now. It might sound like the ravings of a madman to turn down work when you're unemployed, but believe it: sometimes the best move is "thanks, but no thanks".  Until then I'll happily build Ikea furniture, teach guitar and knock holes in walls for my beer money.


Brammo

Blogs, Neets, Gamers, and Middle-Class Woes

This has to be the worst possible time to start a fucking blog, of all things:

My situation is unremarkable. I'm 24 years old - graduated from a good college, only to realize that there wasn't much point. Generation Z. An entire batch of 18-20somethings who are already making history by being the first generation to be worse off than our parents. And like all great generalizations, Generation Z needs a governmental acronym for our characteristic flaws - to give the tabloids a convenient way of pinning every societal fuck up - from rioting to copper theft - on our bored, unproductive shoulders. With typical wittiness, what they came up with was 'Neets' (Not in Education, Employment, or Training), so we know it went down something like this:

"man, I sure wish we had a catchy way to describe these kids who who aren't in education, employment or training.."

"wait... wait... oh my god "

There are a hell of a lot of us 'neets' -almost a million in the UK alone this year. And I take personal offense at being lumped into this roughly defined category. 'Neets' implies tracksuits, street corners, teenage pregnancy and knife crime (like this charming young lady). Neets smashed up the local barbershop and nicked TVs from Currys. Neets - in every form of tabloid association - equals 'scum'.

What has been totally overlooked is the HUGE proportion of Generation Z who.. realistically.. have very little complain about. I fall headlong into this category. We are educated, middle class and come from stable domestic backgrounds. Our days consist of a leisurely 10:00AM wakeup -  a stroll to the magic parental fridge, a few hours on our Macbooks (not me, but you know the type) applying to grad programmes at Forbes 500 companies, and then the rest of the day consists of climbing the online rankings in Call of Duty. Don't kid yourselves, there are hundreds of thousands of us - in our final years at university, or in our first months out of it- who aren't failing to launch; we just refuse to launch until the right moment comes up. We're spoiled, we're deluded by grandiose visions of our own potential.. And we're not.. we're NOT.. fucking.. NEETS. No.

So I propose a new category, one that pays homage to our familiarity with afternoon Xbox: 'GAMERs'.  'Graduates Assfucked by Mismanaged Economic Recovery' are educated, relatively comfortable, well-traveled, perpetually bored and technologically savvy.. and from this group we can expect one thing:

a shitload of new blogs.

Hence why now is an awful time to start one. A rising tide of aimless bannermen, braying their dissatisfaction with 'too much free time' and flooding the blogosphere (lets just get that word out the way) with their vapid, (if articulate) musings on every possible subject, means that a single voice is unlikely to be heard. Therefore, rather than try to offer anything particularly new, I will embrace what I know - a load of funny anecdotes about a lot of people in similar situations to myself. And rather than being a single voice, I hope that this might become a refuge for people of similar mindsets - people chilling on the edge of adulthood, waiting for the water to warm up.

Here's my inaugural leap onto the bandwagon.
Wish me luck, Internet.


Brammo.